| Silent Echoes /
Stories Heard Over The Back Fence"
Rita Buday has hunted for, found, and verified the accuracy of countless
items about people...events...even fanciful tales...as she edited catalogue
data about books & literary properties. In publishing excerpts from
over sixty years of her work, it is only proper to show her credit-line.
Mr. Peckinpaw's Proprietary Pills
Updated and Adapted from an 1894 Short Story
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© FEBRUARY 2007 ~ BUDAY BOOKS / VINTAGE READING (TM)
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Last Friday was the day I'd just as soon forget! Had a flat tire while driving to work--was fifteen minutes late getting to the office. My phone was ringing--Bert, our shipping manager, said he wouldn't be in--sick. Next--the corrugated box maker who guaranteed to have our order on our loading dock this morning, had a factory fire last night; that put him at least 3 weeks behind, which meant I had to tell our best--but easily-irritated--customer we had to re-schedule delivery of his already-late holiday sale items. It was that kind of a non-stop morning.
At half-past eleven, the phone stopped ringing just long enough for a tall stringbean of a man to plop his old valise on my desk. "Peckinpaw's my name, sir, Erasmus Peckinpaw. What I have in this valise will abolish the need for eating as we've known it for thousands of years."
"Abolish eating! Mr. Peckinpaw?"
"I have totally abolished eating, sir, with all its attendant evils of chewing, swallowing, loss of time, indigestion; etc." He unlocked his valise, took out a cigar box of medium-size colored pills, and drifted off in reverie as he gazed at his brainchild. He looked at me and confided--
"Sir, I offer you the opportunity to be the first--other than my family--to have a nourishing, satisfying, appetizing noon meal. Select the pill you find appealing; I shall do likewise."
I begged to be excused.
"Very well, sir, very well; no offense taken. I forgot you are new to the benefits of my invention. Take for example, picnics. Think of the cumbersome labor; of loading baskets (and sitting on custard pies); of armies of ants come running to share the bounty; of time taken away from play; of messy, dirty dishes that will be on our mind until we get home to wash them. Ugh!
"With my invention, everyone can carry lunch in their pocket, select a P-23 Picnic Pill and wash it down with a glass of water--no fuss, no mess, no dirty dishes.
"The hour businessmen spend--running to a restaurant, waiting for their order to be cooked and served, rushing to get back to the office in time--that has never been a good way to eat. At meetings of diplomats and Ministers of State, my Banquet Pill B-83 will leave the whole time, otherwise spent eating and drinking, used instead for discussion of world-shaking events."
"An interesting approach, Mr. Peckinpaw, but how can you fit so much nutriment in a pill?"
"A perceptive question, sir. You are aware that the larger part of food is water. After that is taken out, the remainder is further condensed and compressed by my secret processes.
"My invention revolutionizes medicine, allows dentists to do away with pain and drills; it allows pharmacists to pursue more fruitful studies, and lessens disharmony in the world."
Mr. Peckinpaw stood up, in much the way I imagine a victorious leader stands to accept the defeated enemy's sword.
"My invention, sir, is as important in the world as the discovery of Fire, or The Wheel!"
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All during this remarkable interview I had been secretly praying. It was a demonstration of The Almighty's Infinite Mercy that our Sales Manager came to ask for an immediate opinion on the Company's new TV ads, just as both telephones began to ring again..
"I see you are busy, sir; for my part, I must be on my way to the Patent Office. One thing before I go--could you lend me twenty dollars for a few days? After I have filed for my Patent and returned home, I shall repay your loan by overnight mail."
"Twenty? With the greatest pleasure Mr. Peckinpaw."
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If Mr. Peckinpaw should happen to read this, he may rest assured I know he is so absorbed in his great invention that returning the twenty slipped his mind, but I regard that oversight as my investment to make the world better, improve humanity, and have a little peace and quiet.
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